Rules of the Xmansion
by Kisha-Ra
Summary: Caution! the following content is humour and should not be taken seriously. If you have no sense of humour, or have recently had a sense of humour bypass, do not read this fiction.
1. Chapter 1

Okay, so the original concept was for another one of my insane Evo list fics. However it was not to be, comic references slipped in from rule one. There's also a nod to the 90's cartoon in here. Can you spot it?

Sadly I do not own X-men, I am pilfering from marvel's toybox.

Rules of the X-mansion

**1. Don't die.**

_I don't care if Jean did it first, don't you people know funerals are expensive? –Xavier_

**2. If, after being dead for some time, your teammate reappears, do not shout 'Does nobody around here stay dead?'**

**I. They never do.**

**II. How could you not know this by now?**

It seemed that no sooner had the paperwork for Jean Grey's thirteenth death been completed, than said X-man appeared, without explanation, in the infirmary.

**3. The time travelling stops now!**

**I. Cable, this means you.**

**II. and you Bishop**.

**III. it's not funny Rachel.**

_Do you know how hard it is to cover up time travellers?- Fury _

**4. The phrases 'What could possibly go wrong?' 'How bad could it be?' and 'Nothing could go wrong now.' are never to be used.**

_I do not feel this needed writing down-Storm_

**5. Star trek jokes. No. Just no.**

No one was really sure why Xavier put this one down.

**6. If there is only one Twinkie left, do not eat it.**

_Stay the hell away from my Twinkies!-Hank_

It turned out Beast got really upset by things like that. Bobby was still hiding.

**7. Do not ask Frost if her pimp knows where she is.**

**8. Stop hazing newbies.**

**I. Shaving foam is not 'the prankster's friend'**

**9. Bagpipes. Never.**

_I don't care if it's part of your culture, they give me a headache. –Xavier_

_At least you have a mystery bagpipe player on your island. –Moria_

**10. no one is to play drinking games with the Shi'Ar.**

**I. Especially not f you.**

**II. Or circle of death**

No one knew exactly who was responsible for this one, everyone involved was drunk at the time. However said drinking games were now very popular in the Shi'Ar court.

**11. Lockheed did not burn your homework.**

**I. Nor did he eat your mission report.**

The staff in general, and Xavier in particular, were sick to the death of hearing this one.

**12. Give it a rest with the fake insane laughter people.**

Some people were starting to think the X-men were somewhat less stable than Magneto.

**13. The blackbirds do not need racing stripes.**

**14. Forge needs that duct tape, stop hiding it.**

_That's the stuff that makes the danger room work people. –Forge_

**15. Do not refer to Cannonball as 'Captain Accident Prone'.**

_Even if it's true? –Tabby_

_I'm not the one who blew up the danger room yesterday. –Sam_

_I told you I needed that duct tape! –Forge_

**16. Put the old table back. Now.**

**I. Round tables are for knights, not for the weekly staff meeting.**

**17. Everyone covered in blue fur should unblock the plughole before they leave the bathroom.**

**18. Truth or dare is banned.**

No one ever wanted to see Scott skinny dipping in the pool again, or in the first place come to that.

**19. Arrange your own bail.**

It was amazing just how much Xavier spent bailing out his teams.

**20.the PA system is for emergencies, it is NOT a toy.**

In a fit of boredom Jubilee decided the mansion needed some 'work music'. For an hour everyone was subjected to her idea of good music. She was later found bound and gagged in the danger room.


	2. Chapter 2

More insanity, I cannot belive I got this out so quickly. Thanks to Pyslocke2216, Starsinger, and Davies-Claire fore your wonderful reviews.

**21. Do not point at sentinels and shout 'Um! You stole Magneto's outerwear!'**

Jubilee was bored, or stoned, or both

**22. Do not send members of the hellfire club prank invites to 'The Freakers Ball'**

(A/N: if you didn't get this go on youtube and listen to 'The Freakers Ball' by Dr Hook. Then you'll understand.)

**23. Just because we did doesn't mean you can.**

A fair few students recently had to be rescued after they somehow picked up the idea that four people could defeat Apocalypse.

**24. The Shi'Ar would like to make it clear that they are NOT star trekking across the universe.**

_Our ships do posses a reverse button-Lillandra_

**25. Do not phase into other people's bodies.**

**26. Comments on this sheet are now banned**

_Come on Chuck, even I know that's not gonna work. –Logan_

**27. 'Homework excuses from the X-mansion' are not to be used in class.**

**28. You should not be able to burn boiled eggs, please keep an eye on whatever you are cooking.**

_I told Kitty to watch them. –Rogue_

The burned boiled egg incident took a week to clear up.

**29. Do not play 'mutant ball' in the house.**

**I. or ordinary baseball**

**II. or rugby**

**III. or tennis**

**IV. for a full list banned sports see the list on the door of Xavier's office.**

**30. When entering the danger room, please leave your grudges at the door.**

_What's he talking about? –Scott_

_I have no idea. –Logan_

**31. No you cannot keep it!**

**I. Take that thing back to the savage land Rogue.**

_Fluffy hates you now. –Rogue_

On a trip to the savage land Rogue found a really cute fluffy kitten. That grew up into a sabertoothed tiger. Fluffy was feared by all.

**32. For the love of anything you consider holy if you don't know what the button does DON'T PRESS IT!**

_Just remind me why Forge has a device that paints people purple? –Kitty. _

_It was supposed to be green. –Forge_

**33. 'Sanity is over rated' is not our motto.**

**I. nor is 'this isn't what it looks like.'**

**II. officially.**

**34. The danger room is not a holodeck.**

**I. referring to it as such is a violation of rule #5**

**35. We don't have any fans so stop writing 'fan fictions' based on our lives.**

**36. Stop asking the police if they've been smoking crack.**

_It was a valid question. –Bobby_

_It was also appropriate the time. –Warren_

_And funny, don't forget funny. –Bobby_

_I wouldn't go that far. –Warren_

**37. Being told to get the blackbird shining does not involve glitter.**

Xavier had made a note not to hand that duty out as punishment anymore.

**38. You are not allowed to chew gum in the danger room unless you brought enough for everyone.**

**39.The following items do not exist, even here; a can of invisible paint, a left handed screwdriver, winter air for the tyres, blinker fluid, whiffolo gadget for grinding smoke. Do not say you are looking for, or have been sent to find any of the above items.**

**40. You are not allowed to chew gum in the danger room even if you DID bring enough for everyone.**

_Awww! -Jubilee_


	3. Chapter 3

Well here's another crazy chapter folks. If you have any suggestions I'd love to hear them. 

Starsinger: by singing That Song, you are in violation of rule #5

Davies-Claire: only if I get really bored or really inspired

Psylocke2216: What gift?

ComsicPhoenix: Thanks, I'll even give you a free shameless plug.

**41. Holy objects do not ward of the following; danger room training, Greydon Creed, Stryker, danger room training, detentions, Apocalypse, or danger room training.**

_Shame. –Rogue_

**42. Wolverines sideburns are not parasitic life forms, stop insisting that they are.**

**I. He's getting paranoid**

**II. and is in denial.**

_No I'm not! –Logan_

**43. While flying the blackbird you may NOT attempt something you saw in a cartoon.**

**44. Singing while travelling is now banned.**

Xavier really didn't think he could stand one more round of The Song That Never Ends.

**45. No more permanent marker tattoos.**

**46. This is not heaven; you are not the 'duty archangel', stop answering the phone as such.**

_Are you sure? –Warren_

**47. Rule 47 doesn't exist.**

No one was really sure about this one.

**48. You brought it home Rogue, you take care of it.**

**I. Fluffy needs a bath.**

**II. NOW!**

After an unsuccessful attempt to get Fluffy on the blackbird and back to the savage land Xavier relented. He now had a better idea of why the place was called the savage land.

**49. You do not have the force.**

**I. nor are you my father.**

_Sure about that Charles? –Mystique_

_Momma? You snuck in here just to write on the notice board? –Rogue_

_And to see Charlie's face when he read that comment. –Mystique_

**50. In addition to the items mentioned in rule #39 these are also non-existent; long stands, elbow grease, filters for political correctness, stargates, keys to the danger room. Please do not send students to find them.**

**51. There is no such television program as 'I'm A Mutant, Get Me Out Of Here'**

**I. This means people cannot be voted out of the mansion.**

**II. Get rid of these cameras.**

**52. The words 'jinkies' and 'zowie' are not real, stop using them.**

**53. When I said stargates were non existent this was not a hint to invent them.**

**I. Please stop with that project Forge.**

**54. Friday 13****th**** of July 2000 never happened.**

All anyone knew was that it involved Bobby, chocolate pudding, neon markers, and a toaster.

**55. You may not threaten people with black magic.**

**I. You may not challenge other people's disbelief in black magic by asking for hair.**

**56. 'I got better' is not the way to describe how you cheated death.**

**57. All those who own an image inducer should stop using it to impersonate me.**

_Was that directed at me professor? –Kurt_

**58. No more liaisons in the broom closet.**

Rhane had been sighted running away from said closet at high speed mumbling 'My eyes, they bleed.' No one really wanted to ask whom she'd seen.

(Thanks to cosmic phoenix for the next two. You're awesome Cosmic.)

**59. The following students have been banned from cooking meals; Kitty Pryde, Jubilation Lee, and Roberto DaCosta.**

_I didn't know you weren't supposed to put aluminium foil in the microwave. –Jubliee_

_I thought that milk was still good. –Kitty_

_I was just trying to make it cook faster. –Roberto_

**60. Would all those students whose power involves the shedding of skin please clean it up.**

_That was directed at me wasn't it? –Paige_

Shameless plug time! Visit CosmicPhoenix's X-men RP. She's in need of more members, I can't seem to get the link in here though. I'll post it on my profile.


	4. Chapter 4

Well here's another chapter for you. We're coming to the end of this now.

Shout outs!

Starsinger: you're grounded. Rule #72 is dedicated to you.

CosmicPhoenix: once again, thank you.

Pyslocke2216: It's my curse. Yeah I did say I'd try and get it up to 100.

Davies-Claire: Rules #63 and #67 are dedicated to you. Thanks.

Reese M: thanks.

YoSafBridge: Special in a good way I hope.

Agena K: Here's more.

**61. Your examination answers are not 'in accordance with the prophecy'**

**62. Getting cloned. It's not big, and it's not clever.**

With all the X-men's clones, alternate selves, long lost siblings, and robot doubles the mansion was starting to get more than a little crowded.

**63. My wheelchairs are not toys; stop holding wheelchair racing tournaments in the halls.**

**I. I could beat you all anyway**.

**64. The PA system, in addition to not being a toy, is also not a forum to voice your opinions.**

**65. We do not have a theme song, and even if we did it would not be 'House of Madness'**

**66. The following people are no longer allowed to consume sugar or caffeine, Ororo Munroe, and Rogue.**

_Ten refills of soda seemed like a great idea at the time. –Rogue_

_It was probably the first five that influenced that decision. –Ororo_

They were found, at 03:47, in the local park, giggling hysterically and making snowmen, this would not have been so bad if, A. it wasn't June, and B. they hadn't found those carrots.

**67. Stealing Scott's glasses is not funny.**

_Says who? –Remy_

**68. Okay, so we DO have fans. (In an alternate dimension) But stop reading and writing fan fictions anyway.**

**69. There is no 'anti senator Kelly' campaign.**

_I can't think why not. –Scott._

**70. If at first you don't succeed, run away.**

It usually happened that you only got one chance to nail the bad guys. Unfortunately the bad guys don't care about not killing you.

**71. Do not tell a Shi'Ar to 'beam me up Scotty.' They don't understand it.**

**72. Stop violating rule #5.**

**73. Do not ask Frost 'How much is a lap dance?'**

**74. The answer to an annoying reporter is not 'Get 'em Fluffy!'**

it took five people to get Fluffy of off Trish Tilby, another three to round everyone up for stitches and rabies shots.

**75. if your teammate claims to be hearing voices, don't dismiss them out of hand, they may not be insane.**

**76.Don't call Fluffy a 'cute little pussy cat.'**

**I. Animals can tell when you're making fun of them.**

**77. Stop trying to make lightsabers.**

(The next three were all submitted by CosmicPhoenix.)

**78. Exploding Poker is now banned from the mansion. **

**I. Or anywhere else on the ****property for that matter.**

_Aww! –Remy_

_Loosen you neck tie professor! –Tabby_

**79. Do not, I repeat, do not pull any more pranks on Banshee or his daughter.**

**I. Window panes are not cheap.**

**80. Stop giving Lockheed alcohol.**

_What! Who's been giving Lockheed alcohol? -Kitty Uh... -Remy_

_Uh, gotta go. Sabretooth's outside. -Logan_


End file.
